clothes of a women

[putgodfirst]

Hello

I'm a man of 34 married for 9 years, children. A few years a lot of things were going good. The problem was starting with she didn't want to talk about intim things when we were not in bed. By her I was talking only about this, not to my idea. Intim relation was good further.
Later last 3 years of our marriage. I ask from her to dress her self a little bit more attractive in bed. She said what do you do for me? I am selfsh etc. I trying realy everything thing to do what she can think about. So she was going with me in a few things but i had to ask it every time. She didn't like it . And think she was always saying what do you do for me? She doesn't want to see something what i do for her. But ok 1 year later she did somethings again and i thought by pushing a little I know it was very stupid maybe she will do something more. She is doing everything in the last moment to my idea only in the way when she has do something realy so I thought maybe it's the way.
Yes in angry she did it taking the clothes and it was the last time she did something in bed what about clothes.

Outside the bed she was also never in the way she wants to be attractive for me or somebody else. A month ago we were alone one sunday I said maybe you can wear those panties and I found it beautifull. In the evening she puts it out and said this is from the devil.

So I don't want to look to other women but I am living in the neighberhood of a few big schools all in the ages of 15+ beauties and also their clothes...

We were talking already with a few persons of church the could say in a way only that we had talk more. The female said to my wife that she should do everything for her husband. The point of talking is a weak side she's talking more with other persons by telephone. She says you don't hold something in mind what can i say to you. I think she doesn't say to me but to others. And in the other way she doesn't need an agenda she holds every single thing in her mind. It's realy beautifull and perfect.

She doesn't want to be attractive for me or somebody else. And she said I married to serve the lord with both of us and later to grow the children. (I feel my self by this like a husband of a black widow.)

But the main question can i expect from her atractive clothes maybe even makeup or his this something from the devil, and i have to resist this attacks from him?

I want to fight for her do everything for her but I don't need only critics I should like to go home to see my beautifull wife.
Friendly etc. to my idea i'm friendly for her.

Great greatings and i hope answers

ps. i'm dutch so my english is not to much so as you see.

[JoeMS]

Welcome to the site.

Did you have an opportunity to read Every Man's Marriage? Fred sets a high standard for men.

You might need to repost this in the Every Heart Restored section where most of the women post. I'm not in a position to comment. Also you might check out Shaunti and Jeff Feldhan's book, For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women. http://www.amazon.com/Men-Only-Straight ... 1590525728 They also have a forum on their site if you don't get an answer here.

[putgodfirst]

Thank you i will order the book and pray

[JoeMS]

I'm sorry you did not get a response from the small group here. There are several guys who would be in a position to comment.
You might also try http://everymansbattle.ning.com That site is also related to the Every Man's Series of resources.
If you want a female perspective try the discussion group at Shaunti.com. We've been helped by her resources as well.

You might benefit from a counselor if your wife had been abused or her boundaries disrespected when she was young. For example if her older brothers would barge into her bedroom or bathroom when she was not decently dressed she might still have little scars related to being looked at. I know a bit about that from personal experience. I know I have to be sensitive in certain areas and can't expect too much.

[danandbevsfarm]

Hello putgodfirst; I am so sorry that we didn't catch your post when it first appeared. Please forgive us for the delay. There are some points that probably need a little clarification in order to affectively respond to your situation. Let me try to clarify;
1. You have been married for 9 years. In that time did you have conversations where BOTH of you shared feelings, emotions, needs, etc?
2. On your part, was there ANY serious looking at OTHER women (porn,starring at passing attractive women) that would cause you to compare YOUR wife to other women?
3. When you mentioned panties, what brought on the request. Was it seeing panties in Victoria Secret catalogs, Playboy, or this type of magazine?
4. Have you read ANY marriage repair books or have you sought out any marriage counseling?
5. Do you find that it is only HER BEAUTY that you are concerned about or are there other issues that affect BOTH of you in your marriage?
6. It sounds as though your wife is making suggestions for your marriage that she hears from church but that you are not responding to them in your marriage. Is that correct?
7. Are you mentioning to her that other women are more attractive in the way they dress than your wife?
8. When you see the girls that you mention that are "beauties" in the school that are 15+, what are your feelings toward them? Are they in tank tops, mini skirts, shorts, where they show off their bodies?
9. I appreciate you wanting to defend your wife and I fully understand that, but what or who are you defendING her from? Is there someone coming between you and your wife? Is she being verbally attacked by someone?
10. Also, how old are the two of you?
11. Are there ANY financial difficulties in the marriage; job loss, stock devalued,illness expenses that might cause friction?
If you can, putgodfirst, please elaborate so we can FULLY understand in order to help give you a start, and once again sorry for the delay and also WELCOME TO THE SIGHT!!!!!

[JoeMS]

Dan do you have any personal experience that might shed light on how PutGodFirst's wife is reacting or maybe over-reacting a bit.

[danandbevsfarm]

Hello Joe; I got married while in college after 4 years in the Navy in underwater weapons in Viet Nam. We were a very MACHO bunch of guys and tended to think we were something SPECIAL. After 2 years of college (after the service) and being somewhat of a good looking guy, I attracted a few women along the way. When I married it was on the rebound from a girl that I had gotten pregnant and didn't want her to UPSET MY PLANS. How's that for being low life!! My wife from the beginning thought that she had caught me on the rebound and was insecure about that for most of our marriage because I had become inattentive to HER needs and was concentrating on MY needs instead. My wife prior to our marriage had a one night stand , got pregnant, and aborted the baby. She hadn't dealt with it then, and I don't believe even now she has dealt with the devastation that causes. We were not christians at the time but did attend secular marriage counseling in college and others but they didn't approach the CORE problems; why did I LOOK at other women and compare, why was she reading so many romance novels and magazines. All they wanted to do is have us initiate talk and have dates together. I am not saying that was bad, but it was superficial, not the core issues. These CORE issues even as christians have been a barrier for 30 years (we have been married 40 years) until recently and my DW and I are talking, but about the HARD stuff, the heart stuff, not the superficial. What was the NEED in my heart that made ME look to other sources for gratification? Why was my DW discouraged in our marriage when she saw NO change in spite of our feeble attempts? My wife has 4 sisters, 2 of which have done quite well in life. One owned the largest modeling agency in a New England state, one was a multi-millionaire so by comparison, she had not faired so well in HER thinking. All of these are issues that we are going back and looking at from BOTH sides of our marriage. We equally tore the marriage down, but now are in the process of equally rebuilding a stronger marriage. My issues are clearing out of my life that have added to the confusion and together we WILL move ahead. I am concerned in putgodfirst's marriage that we MAY be seeing a similar pattern that can be corrected IF we can point him in the right direction. If both know the Lord and are able to give Him FULL control through confession of any sin, guidance by Spirit-filled counselors, AND a LOT of HARD work on their part, they can and WILL know a ONE FLESH marriage.

[JoeMS]

Thank you for the testimony. Those of us who are younger would be wise to remember the attitudes and actions that did not work well for you and those that are now bearing good fruit.

We are tempted to want quick fixes. Life is a marathon not a sprint. Thankfully God's mercy is there for us to accept if we humbly repent and ask for help.

[danandbevsfarm]

Hello putgodfirst; I hope we didn't scare you off. Perhaps I asked too many questions initially but I was hoping we could continue with a relationship. We here still look forward to helping you through your relationship with your wife. Marriages are UNDER ATTACK from all directions. It is thought "As the marriage goes, so goes the nation!" But our desire is to STRENGTHEN not tear down. So please come back!!! If I said something that might be offensive, please CALL ME on it!!

[putgodfirst]

Hello,

Thank you for the mails. There's a lot happened.
I should like to respond to the 10 points.

1 I think she couldn't talk very good about her feelings. And still she is saying something about an item far away from the moment that i can do something to it. And to my idea she has always something doesn't matter what. When you look back ok she has always an item little or big from her side.

2 For sure not, from her side she said me in the first week about the other women. I couldn't remember not even one.
Porn didn't intereseted me and it was not the way my parents were growing me. Later age few years before marriage i was seeing something but no interest. Thank you lord. In a way i had already a starting relation with an other girl when i was starting with my wife a few months. But there was no click. And my wife was immidiatly superior to every other female. Yes maybe later in church there was a young girl she was looking good just her face (to my idea) we went to another church for me for other reasons for her because of this item I was hearing this later.

3 The first I don't know so i'm glad that you mentioned the second. This kind of lecture was for me not done lecture absolutly not done, by the lord and I should be asshamed by my self to have it just in my hands opposite to any other woman. Last year i am seeing more naked then I want because of colleagues they are putting it in a way i could cover my self. And later internet when I was angry or in the way of ok what can you see is that so much??

4 We have seen a movie about a fireman with 30 days or 60 days schedule.
marriage course, with the chapter "communication" we were both very ill influenza but we didn't take this part anymore she was going to this because i wanted very much.
the last time we are talking more, she had a few conversations with a woman.
And we have a few books marriage takes more than love by jack and carole mayhall,
The act of marriageby Tim and Beverly LaHaye

I am sorry it's getting late over here so i have to close

[danandbevsfarm]

putgodfirst; I am so happy that you came back!! I want you to feel comfortable here on this sight so we can assist in whatever way we can by using the experiences of others and materials available online. I have one question that I need to ask that I didn't ask initially though; have both of you asked Jesus Christ into your heart for salvation and do you feel as though He will help with your marital struggles? I will respond to the aswers you have given and we can open up the discussion to others for help as well.

1. That is good in some ways that she initiates talks about past problems so that EACH of you can clear the air about past hurts, disappointments, and misunderstandings. To ignore the past would only be putting a bandaid on a festering sore. It is hard to go back and has the potential to escalate into, "you did this" and "but you did that"!!! Acknowledge your own participation in the past difficulty and leave it at that. If she sees things from her side only, just acknowledge the part YOU played in the situation and ask her for forgiveness for what YOU did in that instance. There is no amount of explanation you can give to change how SHE perceived what YOU did. The idea is that you want her to see you "exposing your heart" to her and over time, she will do likewise (we hope!!)

2. That is very good news, putgodfirst!! We here have grieved our wives with the porn/sex addiction epidemic that has been sweeping through the world at an unbelievable pace and has become the NEW NORMAL. You are ahead of the game by not being involved in comparisons. That is devastating to wives as many will testify on this board. Your moving to a different church should have affirmed your wife that you TRULY care for her.

3. If I understand correctly, you are saying that you are not familiar with Victoria Secret and that you were lectured against looking at Playboy but that your workmates leave it out for others to see but you TRY HARD not to look but sometimes see the nudes. Also, the computer when you are angry, you LOOK at the nude women on the many sites that are available for men. But it sounds as though you are able to limit or control your looking on the internet. Am I understanding your answer correctly, putgodfirst?

4. I am so glad that you were able to watch "Fireproof" about the Love Dare plan. That is one of the best movies and the most descriptive movies of understanding God's love for us, displayed through the husband, I have ever seen.
Here is a website that has a free viewing of that movie if you would like to watch it again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYLIayanv3g
I am not familiar with the Mayhall book but the LaHaye book "Act of Marriage" is a sound christian book to work through. I have been using "The Complete Husband" by Lou Priolo with two other accountability partners (one trying to improve his marriage and one who's wife has separated as mine did). This book operates on the Initiator/Responder principal where the husband is responsible for "initiating" the marriage repair by "discovering" his wife (likes, dislikes, goals, where husband falls short, etc) and the wife "responds" in kind. Excellent approach to minister to your wife's needs.

I am looking forward to you coming back, putgodfirst, and will open this up to others for responses. Thank you for coming back!!!

[danandbevsfarm]

Hello putgodfirst; I miss our discussion. I hope all is going well for you and your wife. We continue to lift you up in prayer and please update us so we can better pray for your needs.

[putgodfirst]

Hello,

After a long time, thank you that you pray for us. It takes more time to hold the conversation.

About point 5.

She is a woman so she wants to look good, but she wants in a godly way. And there are other isues but they are more about the children.

Thank you for your time, till next.

[danandbevsfarm]

Thank you for responding putGodfirst; I am certainly glad that she is wanting to dress in a respectful way for you and her Lord. I don't want to guess what the issues are with the kids so I will let you respond as you can about that.

1 Peter 3:3-5 (New International Version)

3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands,

[putgodfirst]

Hello again,

So that text will mean that a woman doesn't has to be clothed attractive for her husband only inside? Not special?

6 I don't understand

7 I am sorry I did and excuse my self to her.

8 More short skirts in a to my idea decent way. Just in the way they are beautifull.

9 In the past against family in the otherway how can come between it's already so far that i can't do. I mean it's exploding in a short time or i am not home.

10 6 and 7

11 some financial in 5 years it will be done (expecting).

Thank you and till later.

[babymomma]

putgodfirst, do you mind if I ask what country you are from? Your English is very good but from the way you word things it indicates that English is not your primary language.

From what I understand, you want your wife to dress more attractively for you. You want her to wear makeup and wear more attractive clothing. Is that correct?

As long as the clothing isn't too revealing like too tight, too short, and don't reveal her breasts then I don't see a problem with wanting your wife to dress attractively.

Of course, if she isn't happy to do this then you need to stop trying to get her to do it. Just love her the way she is, even if she won't dress up for you, and you'll have more peace in your home.

[danandbevsfarm]

Hello putgodfirst; I want to try an experiment with you and convert what I post into Dutch. If this works, write your response in Dutch and I will convert it to English for me, OK?

5. Yes, your wife should look attractive to you and others because she is representing Jesus Christ to all those around her. God is MORE concerned about her inner beauty because this inner beauty is what goes to heaven, not the TENT of the outward body and clothes. About makeup, don't worry about it, it is not from the devil unless SHE uses it to look grotesque, which I doubt very much.

2 Corinthians 5:1-9 (New Living Translation)

2 Corinthians 5
New Bodies
1 For we know that when this earthly tent we live in is taken down (that is, when we die and leave this earthly body), we will have a house in heaven, an eternal body made for us by God himself and not by human hands. 2 We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing. 3 For we will put on heavenly bodies; we will not be spirits without bodies.[a] 4 While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sigh, but it’s not that we want to die and get rid of these bodies that clothe us. Rather, we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life. 5 God himself has prepared us for this, and as a guarantee he has given us his Holy Spirit.

6 So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. 7 For we live by believing and not by seeing. 8 Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. 9 So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him.

6. I think you are saying that the wives in church are suggesting ways to HELP your marriage but you might be a little reluctant to try them. Is that right? If that is the case, as long as it involves Bible scripture, it doesn't hurt to try her advise.

7. I am very glad that you do not compare her clothes and beauty to other women unless it is to tell her that she is MORE beautiful than other women in spirit, dress, and form.

8. I must agree with you that young girls are more beautiful than when I was young. I am 67 years old and when I look at my high school pictures at the girls I thought were so beautiful then, I cringe now.

9. Now I understand, putgodfirst. Your family, either hers or yours, are coming between both of you. What I would do is tell the family that is the problem that I will not longer tolerate you coming between us and IF you want to continue a relationship with us, stop interfering with us. I had to do that with my mother who was trying to take my daughter away from us. She didn't like it, but it stopped her interference.

10. You are 34 years old and is your wife about the same age?

11. Sometimes financial problems create the most stress in a marriage and are very hard to overcome but when the husband and wife work together on the problem, it helps bring you closer together.

OK, putgodfirst, I am going to convert this to Dutch and let me know if it works!!

[danandbevsfarm]

Re: kleren van een vrouw

Postby danandbevsfarm op 1 apr 2010, 4:40 pm
Welkom putgodfirst, ik wil een experiment met u proberen te zetten wat ik post in het Nederlands. Als dit werkt, schrijf uw reactie in het Nederlands en ik zal deze omzetten naar het Engels voor me, OK?

5. Ja, je vrouw moet er aantrekkelijk voor u en anderen omdat ze die Jezus Christus aan alle mensen om haar heen. God is meer bezorgd over haar innerlijke schoonheid, omdat deze innerlijke schoonheid is wat gaat naar de hemel niet, de tent van de uiterlijke lichaam en kleding. Over make-up, geen zorgen over te maken, is het niet van de duivel, tenzij Ze gebruikt het om te kijken groteske, wat ik betwijfel ten zeerste.

2 Korintiërs 5:1-9 (New Living Translation)

2 Korintiërs 5
Nieuwe organen
1 Want wij weten dat wanneer deze aardse tent waarin we leven is down genomen (dat wil zeggen, wanneer wij dood zijn en laat u dit aardse lichaam), zullen we een huis in de hemel, een eeuwig lichaam voor ons gemaakt door God zelf en niet door de mens zijn handen. 2 Wij moe in onze huidige organen, en we lang op onze hemellichamen, zoals nieuwe kleding. 3 Want wij zullen op hemellichamen, we zullen geen geesten geen lichamen. [A] 4 Terwijl we leven in deze aardse lichamen, we kreunen en zuchten, maar het is niet dat we willen om te sterven en te ontdoen van deze organen die kleden te krijgen ons. Integendeel, we willen dus op onze nieuwe organen die deze stervende lichamen zullen worden opgeslokt door het leven. 5 God zelf heeft ons voorbereid voor dit, en als een garantie dat hij ons gegeven heeft zijn Heilige Geest.

6 Dus we zijn altijd zelfverzekerd, ook al weten we dat zolang we leven in deze organen hebben we niet thuis zijn met de Heer. 7 Want wij leven door te geloven en niet door het zien. 8 Ja, we zijn vol vertrouwen, en we zouden in plaats van weg te zijn van deze aardse lichamen, want dan zullen we thuis zijn met de Heer. 9 Dus of we hier in dit lichaam of uit de buurt van dit orgaan, ons doel is om te behagen hem.

[danandbevsfarm]

Putgodfirst; I was rereading your first post and I saw something that I missed that I want to address that may be important to your wife. You said that you want her to wear special clothes in bed for you and you mentioned panties and your wife said they were from the devil, is that right? I know you want her to be appealing to you and I can understand that, but if she doesn't want to do that or thinks that it is evil, then don't push her. Don't let bed clothes come between the two of you, it is NOT WORTH IT!!! Love her for the way she is and accept who she is because you will not be able to change her. She has to want to change and it sounds like she doesn't want to change what she wears to bed, OK?

[danandbevsfarm]

Re: kleren van een vrouw

Postby danandbevsfarm op 1 apr 2010, 5:17 pm
Putgodfirst, ik was herlezen uw eerste post en zag ik iets dat ik gemist dat ik wil behandelen, dat kan belangrijk zijn om je vrouw. U zei dat u wilt dat ze speciale kleren te dragen in bed voor u en door u genoemde slipje en je vrouw zei dat ze afkomstig waren van de duivel, klopt dat? Ik weet dat je wil dat ze aantrekkelijk zijn voor u en ik kan dat begrijpen, maar als ze niet willen doen of denkt dat het slecht is, dan is haar niet duwen. Laat bed kleding komt tussen de twee van u, het is niet de moeite waard! Liefde voor haar de manier waarop ze is en accepteren wie ze is omdat je niet in staat zijn om haar te veranderen. Ze heeft te willen veranderen en het klinkt alsof ze niet wil om te veranderen wat ze draagt naar bed, oke?