Official Blog For Author Fred Stoeker

          Your advice to read that second book of your trilogy is working in my life. If you recall, reading Every Young Man’s Battle helped me a lot, but I needed more help somehow. You suggested that I probably didn’t have the level of intimacy with God that I needed to win, and that your book Tactics would help me learn how to have that kind of intimacy. I’ve read Tactics now, and its really helped me on the spiritual front of the battle for sexual purity. I’ve been able to improve so much over the past few weeks by just leaning on God and letting Him help me when times get rough.
           This weekend I watched a movie that I had gotten for my birthday that had a few sensual scenes in it. I was on the computer later and I started to hit sites that I know I shouldn’t have gone to. Minutes after I got off, the conviction of the Holy Spirit just hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t want to seek God right then because I was upset and I was embarrassed to seek Him, but because I’m closer to Him now, He drew me in to read His Word anyway. So I opened up to my daily Bible reading and it brought me right to the opening of the Sermon on the Mount. God hit me hard three times: First, with “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness”, second with “blessed are the pure in heart”, and third with the discussion on lust at the end of Matthew 5.
          Even though I just looked at some junk on the internet not even an hour ago, I know that God is working in my heart and I’m getting closer to Him, which is changing the battle and making it easier. The temptation to lust doesn’t come on as often as it used to and my relationship with God has gotten a lot stronger and more personal, as proven by this conviction and the great timing of His words to me, through the Bible. Thanks for telling me about Tactics, Fred.

          I would like to let you how much I enjoy reading your daily devotional, called Every Day for Every Man. It really hits home for me. The book has allowed me to reflect on my own life and the mistakes I have made, and to strive to be a better man, husband and father each new day.
          My wife and I are currently going through a rough time and trying to save our marriage because of my own infidelity. She is a strong and forgiving woman who tries to put on a happy face every day, but my past is a difficult thing to forgive and forget. She and I have looked for a book similar to Every Day for Every Man, something that would relate to her and to what she is dealing with, something that could give her encouragement and comfort before she starts each day. I’ve hurt her badly and I would do anything to find such a book for her, if one exists.
           We want to be together and we love each other, but some days it is almost too much for her to deal with all the hurt I have caused her. Could you possibly recommend an author or a book that might be suited to my wife’s needs, something that would give her some solace during this difficult time?
           Answer: While I don’t have a devotional in mind that deals with this topic specifically, my wife’s favorite devotional is Keep a Quiet Heart, by Elisabeth Elliott. This devotional will definitely encourage and comfort each day. Two other books that would be very useful in helping her to heal would be my wife’s two books, Every Heart Restored and The Healing Choice. These two books DO deal with the topic directly, and would be helpful.

Here is a question I received via email from Troy:

          Why is it from the beginning that when God created the Heavens and the earth, the serpent appeared immediately? This is when Eve took the bite of the apple, and gave it to Adam. I’m just trying to figure out why God insists that we struggle with the flesh? Why did God make us sexual, and then ask us to control it like this? I love God, Fred, and I don’t want to live in sin. I just wish that pornography were not an issue for me. I have to confess that right now it’s an addiction. Fred I need help! I have Christian friends that are struggling with this issue as well, and I know I can’t win this battle alone.

          My son Jasen and I answer this question about the flesh in detail in Chapter 6 of our book, Hero. In fact, until you understand the answer to this question and until you can rest in that, it will be nearly impossible to become sexually pure. This is one statement I made in Hero’s Chapter 6:

         Jasen was winning his battle because he saw the bigger picture in the fight for purity. Guys who focus on the “unfairness” of being single with a sex drive usually end up on a manic search for an easy way out, but not Jasen. He was settle because he understood that the battle for purity was about far more than simpy trying to keep your hands clean and your eyes and heart pure. It was really a battle for his manhood, the highest stakes possible, and that changed the entire game for him. (Hero, Page 81)

         As for needing help in winning the battle, the book Tactics is perfect for explaining why fighting this battle alone makes it far more difficult to find victory, and it explains how to go about setting up a team of friends to join you in the battle and how to go about building a tighter intimacy with God, which will also change the battle for you forever. Tactics also delves into male sexuality and why porn is so addictive to us. This knowledge is critical for us if we are to defend ourselve properly in the battle. Hero’s Chapter 5 is very helpful, too.

          I bought your books first for my boys, but then God turned around and used them to heal my marriage. The book Hero is what got us all going at first. Since then, I’ve had my sons reading so many of your books this winter that they start running whenever they see me coming towards them with a book. Your message has me asking my husband and sons tough questions regularly, too. They need to know that they are accountable to the women in their lives.  
           These books have made an incredible impact on my husband and me, as God used your words to change my husband and then, in turn, change our marriage. But since God has worked in our lives, my heart has become heavy. What is driving this is the ugly world that is destroying my generation, my son’s generation and the next one, and the lack of support men give each other to stand up against all this.
           Personally, I want to stand up in front of men everywhere and ask them the tough questions. I want to say the secret words and make them visible. I want to challenge them to get accountability partners, and once they have them, to make sure that accountability is real and honest, built upon friendship, trust and tough love. Accountability partners should allow no gray areas and provide no excuses to make life easier for their brothers in Christ. They shouldn’t just ask how you are doing in this area and then quickly move on, especially when there is a sense that something is wrong. I know men and women are totally different in this area, and men have to work harder to make this happen. After all, women come together as accountability partners and it can take less than ten minutes for discussions to get personal and, most likely, weepy. Guys, on the other hand, take ten minutes discuss their entire life in a nutshell and then quickly move on to lunch.
           But you don’t need to have emotional break downs to have true accountability. What you do need is honesty, trust and toughness. Toughness should be right up a man’s alley. Why can’t men use that in the area of accountability? Why can’t they stand up and say, “I am a man of God, I will stand and be strong. As a warrior I will stand alongside my accountability partner as a teammate, and we will fight and win this battle, together.” That’s tough and that’s manly, without a trace of teary, emotional outburst. When you’re out on the battle field in war, you encourage each other and you get tough and you strive to never leave your wounded comrade behind. Where is that in the relationships between Christian men today? I want to scream this from the rooftops.
           I know I’m a woman, and it would be weird for me to stand up and talk to men like this in church, I suppose, but I’ve seen the devastation in my personal life and I want this to change for everyone. I want my husband, my sons and the next generation to be fearless in the face of it all, and to stand up and make a change in our culture. I want women to see something different in my husband and my sons and to see a Godly respect for them. Where do I go from here? What do I do with all this passion? I don’t know yet, but God has told me that I must first spend more time in prayer about this than in thought or teaching. So pray I will.

      I have something on my heart that I felt I had to share with you, Fred. I’ve been reading your book Tactics, and I came to the part that says that turning to masturbation is often more of a “stress reliever” than something we do for sexual pleasure. That’s been very true in my life. I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately. You see, my dad is a pastor, which means that we have to go wherever the Lord calls him to go. He recently just had a call to another church and accepted that call.
      This has been very hard on me because I’ve had to get up and leave my friends. I was very content with where I was living, and giving that up has been very hard and stressful. Sometimes I’ve called on Jesus for peace, patience and comfort, and when I’ve done so, it brings overwhelming joy and peace. But sometimes I turn to masturbation as a stress reliever instead. It relieves the stress, alright, but it’s also very empty and there’s no joy involved.
      I’ve found it just isn’t worth it turning my back on God and taking the easy way out like that. Jesus may not always give us instant relief, but all the stress we go through is for His plan and His purposes. We need to accept that and lean on Him to get through it. When we demand instant relief by turning to masturbation instead, we go against His plan and His purposes, and our character and perseverance are never developed.

    I’ve not been able to put down Every Young Man’s Battle. I have even been yelled at for reading it when I was supposed to be going to sleep! How ironic!  But the Lord is getting a hold of me with His loving but ever-present hand.  Already, I can actually sit down and read and pray without feeling like a hypocrite!  I can finally say, “I am free from the bondage of sin” and not be lying!  Praise God!
    I can’t wait until I begin reading the follow-up books, Tactics and Hero!  I can only imagine how much more the Lord will change me through these great resources. I pray that I can use these books around my school to further the gospel.  The book has changed me and made me go from hypocrite to genuine Christian, and it’s only been three days!  I know I can use these books to reach the lost.
    Thank you for actually putting your reputation on the line to write these books for people like me.  I know the God has used you in more than just my life, and I am sure that He will greatly reward you for simply obeying Him and spreading His sin-freeing power! I am forever grateful!

          As a sixteen-year-old, I’d have to say the book Every Young Man’s Battle was possibly the best book I’ve ever read. The suggestions you put in it, the practical ways to avoid thinking the wrong way, and the guide to using the armor of God effectively have completely changed my thought process about my sexuality. I no longer struggle with impure thoughts, or try to find boundaries around masturbation just because I want some way for it to be biblically okay. As the leader of my youth group’s praise band, I experienced one of the closest connections with God during the songs as I have ever felt after reading this book. My mind is so much purer, my heart burns with more of a passion, my girlfriend and I couldn’t be any closer and I have so much more potential in having my relationship with God absolutely flourish. Everything you suggested really works, unbelievably so. Thank you so much for everything. It changed my life.

Testimony and Question: I agree with one of the comments you made in a radio interview that young women should read Every Young Man’s Battle, too, because it helps us to know how to protect the men in our lives. 
         My boyfriend and I are trying to maintain a sexually pure relationship, so we have verbally set rules and boundaries for our physical relationship together. It is definitely a battle that is worth fighting. Because of mistakes I made in a previous relationship, I know how intense and wonderful that physical intimacy can feel, but is definitely not worth the consequences that come with pre-marital sex.
         Still, I struggle with the enemy over the following question: If we avoid anything that stimulates physical pleasure, will we lose our attraction for each other by the time we are married because we have conditioned ourselves not to think about each other physically? We love hugs and cuddling, but sometimes that can lead to further thoughts, too. If we avoid anything lovey-dovey during the dating process, will we destroy the romance and spark that we feel about each other?
         Answer: My son Jasen and daughter-in-law Rose recently co-wrote a book called Hero with me. In chapter 11, Sparks, they address this question fully, and can happily attest that the romance and spark does not have to die or change due to the boundaries and the purity.

        I’m a sophomore in college.  My parents got me your book Every Young Man’s Battle when I was a sophomore in high school. I wasn’t struggling with a lot of sexual sin at the time except for masturbation occasionally, but other than that I was living a pretty pure life.  So when I started reading your book, it seemed like it wasn’t the book for me because I hadn’t been looking at pornography, so I just read bits and pieces and then put it away.  

         The following summer I started my slide into porn.  It took me over so fast I didn’t know what to do, and it continued to eat away at me until the summer after my freshman year at college. I was working at a summer camp when I came to my senses and suddenly realized what I was doing to myself. I talked about it to my accountability partner and I decided to stop. It wasn’t easy, but before long, instead of finding satisfaction from porn, I was repulsed by it. I convinced myself that it was over and I never was looking at it again. 

        The problem, though, was that I was still filling myself up with lust from outside sources besides porn.  I had cut porn out of my life, but my heart was still fighting my worldly desires.  After a while, I started dating a girl I have liked all through my spring semester the previous year. Being with her was the greatest feeling I ever had, but after I told her I struggled with sexual sin, she left me on the spot. That was very hard to take at first because I had been free from porn for a while, and thought I was pretty pure. 

        Less than a week later I found your book again, Every Young Man’s Battle. I figured I should start reading it again to see what had gone wrong in my life. The timing of your book couldn’t have been better this time around. What I found changed my life completely!  The most important thing I learned is that becoming sexually pure is more than cutting out porn or masturbation. It is an issue of the heart. I learned so much about how to keep myself pure and to stay pure so that I can tell the next girl I date that I have been pure, and so that I can grow more in God right now. I recommended your book to my leadership team on my hall and I hope they will take it to heart and purify themselves from sexual sin.  God bless your ministry. Keep up the good work.

         I was recently updating the text and writing an anniversary chapter for Every Man’s Marriage when I was astounded again at how little I understood about leadership in those early years of my marriage. I really believed I was doing a great job leading my marriage, even as I was simultaneously destroying every one of my dreams for matrimony.
         Men usually get their ideas on leadership from sports, politics and careers, but that top-down style of leadership isn’t the kind of leadership God calls us to in marriage. If you continue to lead that way, you’ll think everything is going along well when all the while your wife’s heart is being trampled by you. You won’t even know you’re doing it, but that won’t matter in the end. It is very likely that before long, you’ll be as surprised as I was when your wife levels a finger at you and says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to tell it to you straight. My feelings for you are dead.”
         Does your wife still desire sex with you, or are her desires fading? Have you noticed her feelings for you are changing, but she can’t really define for you what’s wrong? Take a look at Alec’s testimony below. Can you relate to some of the things Alec was sensing in his marriage before it collapsed?

         It was a rainy weekday, and I happened to be driving by a local Christian bookstore when I decided to stop in to look around. Like most bookstores, there were all kinds of books and various publications, along with many other gift items displayed.  For some reason, I went down a particular aisle and noticed a copy of your book Every Man’s Marriage on the bottom shelf.  After reading the title and the first few lines of chapter one, I knew this was the book for me. My wife Megan and I had been married eleven years and had been together for sixteen, but she had just told me almost the same thing that Brenda had said Fred, early in their marriage.
         Megan spoke these words to me last spring, around April. “Alec, I woke up one day and found I had no feelings for you. I don’t find you attractive anymore, and I don’t love you. I am completely numb towards you.” 
 I had noticed quite a difference in her just before this episode. She was acting distant from me, and she wasn’t enjoying any sexual activity—she’d been acting exactly as she said, quite numb. This went on for several more months. I continually asked her, “What are issues? What do I need to do to help right our ship?” 
         Her answers to me were vague. “I just need time to work on myself, to try to find my feelings for you again.” 
 At first, I took her words at face value, but soon I began to worry about it all. She had never acted like this before, and she had never shown any signs distance towards me in the past sixteen years. In fact, I still have text messages from March telling me how much she loved me and how much she wanted more “private time” with me. I couldn’t figure anything out.
         Then one night, after bringing our two sons home from music lessons, Megan announced that she had something very important to talk to me about. She had fear and tears in her eyes, a horrible sign. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach wrenched, wondering what she was about to say. We left the boys in the kitchen eating dinner and went upstairs to be alone.
         She told me that she had met a man at our fitness center, and she had started a friendship with him. “Over time, we began exchanging emails and his wife had found out about it,” she began. “She contacted me and told me to stop with this relationship, or she’d tell you and the boys.” Megan went on to tell me that the emails were harmless, and that the other guy’s wife was making something out of these that they weren’t.
         Since I trusted her, I forgave her, and told her that we needed to get more urgent about rebuilding our relationship together. So the next day we went for a long walk with our dogs, and we shopped and spent a lot of time together. It felt like we were on our way to a new life together.
         But within a few days, the distance was back again, and she was acting cold and numb. By now it was early June, and her distance grew even more over the next few weeks. You see, my wife teaches dance and hip-hop courses at the fitness center and was asked to choreograph for the Miss Ohio pageant that took place in mid-June. She had to be away for several nights to participate in the event, and while she was gone I had an awful feeling that she was up to no good.
         The pageant just happened to be held the on the evening of our wedding anniversary. She had also put on a dance event earlier in the week with some of the students in her class. Since it was our anniversary week, I had asked if I could attend both of these events, but she had said no. “I won’t have any time for you,” she said. “I’ll be way too busy.”
         That made sense, so didn’t push the matter, but I was still concerned. My sons and I attended church on Father’s Day, the morning after the pageant. Megan was there when we got home, but she was acting strangely, as if she was on some “high” from her trip away. She brushed it off, telling me, “I’m still buzzing from last night! The show went great…in fact, the entire week was great!” She was ecstatic, which was understandable, but somehow it seemed strange, too. This wasn’t the Megan that I knew. This was somebody very different.
          Around 2:00 pm that same afternoon, Megan ran out to do some shopping, so I spent some time in the office on our computer. It just so happened that my wife had left her email account up and running. I read a number of emails from a particular guy that made it clear our problems were only beginning. The emails contained details of an emotional affair that had quickly turned into a physical one. While I had spent the entire week taking care of the boys and running them around to their camps, she had been off at the resort preparing for the pageant—and having an adulterous affair with this man. The emails also talked of previous encounters, and how much they felt for one another.
         I was simply crushed. The feelings that rushed through me are beyond description. I confronted her immediately when she got home, and until this day she has never shown remorse. She’s never said, “I am sorry.” She’s never said, “Please forgive me”. 
         She has told me she didn’t love me anymore and felt our relationship was over, which justified her actions, at least in her mind. I sat in the office for twelve straight hours, churning in pain and wondering how in the world she could have done this to our family. I found out that my in-laws had also noticed a complete difference in their daughter, and that they’d been concerned for some time, as well.
         It is now late September and Karen has filed for divorce, and I’ve been left wondering why. I found out that she is still together with her home-wrecker. They even have their pictures on a Facebook page acting like horny eighteen-year-olds. There are more twists to this story than even Hollywood could keep up with over the past number of months. I did everything a husband could do to save this marriage and to save my family, but it seems I have failed. We did counseling and I forgave the two of them for what they did. I even took the family on vacation to get away and to heal, but all to no avail. 
         After all this, who do you think has the most regret, guilt, and remorse over our relationship? I do, for after reading your book Every Man’s Marriage, I understand that I’m largely to blame for this affair, even though I didn’t know it at the time. I was the one who did not create oneness for us together as a couple. I didn’t nurture what we had together during those eleven years, and I didn’t communicate and reach out when I should have. I overlooked my wife, and I took her for granted. She was the greatest thing to ever happen to me.
         I failed her as a husband, and drove her into the arms of another man. It is hard to admit, but if I am to heal, I have to take my blame for this. The principles about marital leadership that you outline in your book came too late to make a difference for me. She was too far gone already, and the numbness had killed anything she may have felt for me. I never studied her to know how to serve her. I missed nearly everything your book suggests that a husband should do. As a result, I have not only lost my wife, but my family and career as well. Since learning of her affair, I’ve suffered from anxiety and depression. It affected my work performance, and I was let go from my sales position in early September. When it rains it pours!! 
         Please, let husbands know how important communication is in a relationship, and use my mistakes somehow to warn others. When everything collapsed that day, Megan told me something I will never forget, if I ever have a chance to be married again. She told me that this guy was a friend, a communicator, and someone who knew how to create intimacy with her.
         The truth hurts, but that is exactly what I was supposed to be doing for her as her husband, just as you talk about in Every Man’s Marriage. Husbands, you absolutely must create oneness with your wives, or you will end up like me. My marriage is over. Believe me, you do not want everything that goes with a broken marriage—the hurt, depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, and lack of focus—weighing heavy on your mind, because it will cost you your health, marriage, career, and family.
 
         If you are troubled about some similar evidence that you see in your relationship with your own spouse, perhaps your leadership style needs a makeover, like mine did. Don’t wait until it is too late. Every Man’s Marriage can go a long way in helping you understand what you need to know to ignite your marriage once more.