Official Blog For Author Fred Stoeker

     I’ve read your book Tactics, and it changed my life. Section 5, on “Experiencing Your Father,” was especially amazing, as it really shattered my perceptions about prayer, worship and reading the Bible. I just want to thank you for that and to tell you that God is using you big time! I’ve now ordered your latest book, Hero, and can’t wait to read your thoughts on staying sexually pure while dating. You’ll understand why in a moment. 
     I am twenty-one years of age and I’ve been addicted to masturbation for eight years. Porn wasn’t part of my problem with masturbation…it was more like emotional issues, as you talk about in Tactics. Two years ago I saw your book Every Young Man’s Battle for the first time on my friend’s desk. I picked it up and read a few sentences and realized that God was hating this addiction of mine. After that, I really tried to quit on my own, but just couldn’t. Two years of struggle ensued until I actually gave up. I actually thought that purity is impossible. Of course, my relationship with God worsened during that time, and I stopped reading my Bible and I rarely prayed.  Then I had my ‘Merle Hay moment’. I met this girl at a social and the moment I saw her I knew, “She is the one.” It must have been the Holy Spirit talking. I chatted with her the whole evening until early the next morning. During that weekend God challenged me, “Are you really ready for this? Are you in a place in your live where you can help lift this girl to what I’ve destined her to be? Will you be able to lead her spiritually?”
     I realized I wasn’t. Since that moment I’ve picked up my game spiritually and never masturbated again. Today I am standing on forty-five days without masturbation. During this forty-five day period I didn’t feel any need to masturbate. There is no struggle. Nothing. It is going so good that sometimes I wonder if I am still a man! I can only thank God because ultimately it is through Him that I’ve conquered this struggle. There is nothing going on between this girl and me yet, but I believe we are moving into the right direction. During this forty-five day period my relationship with God has strengthened to the point where I can honestly say He is my best friend. He regularly works through me and I can clearly hear His voice again. By the time I started reading Tactics, I had already conquered the battle with masturbation, but the book really helped me deepen my relationship with Christ. Thank you for everything! Keep writing, my friend.

          Question: Hi, I have been reading Every Heart Restored and it has really been changing my heart and perspective on my relationship with my fiance. We are supposed to get married in the fall and he recently confessed to me that he has cheated on me and has an addiction to porn. Naturally, I was devastated at first, but realized that we have two options. We can either let the devil continue to ruin this and end our relationship, or we can fight to reestablish our foundation in Christ and to see where God takes our relationship. This isn’t unforgiveable for me and I know it will take time to trust him again, but is it silly of us to pursue this relationship or am I just setting myself up for an unhappy married life? He is repentant and genuinely sorry, but this has been going on for quite some time (without my knowing, but not while we have been engaged). Is it wrong for me to question whether or not he can change and lead our relationship? Thank you for listening and thank you.
for writing this book, it has really helped me to understand my fiance and that if we continue in this relationship that there is hope for a Godly marriage.
          Answer: As you know from my book Every Heart Restored, it is not foolish to think he can change as long as there are clear evidences that he is trying to change, beyond the tears and repentance. Tears and repentance are not enough. Is he reading the “purity trilogy” for young men?  (Every Young Man’s Battle, Tactics, and Hero?)  If he isn’t reading those AND putting the biblical principles from those books into practice, I don’t think he will be changing enough for me to advise marrying him. Reading isn’t enough. He must be putting the principles into practice if he’s to break the addiction.

          Next, is he being fully accountable and fully open about what he did? Is he making excuses, or taking full responsibility and putting defenses into place that will defend his sexuality and his integrity in the future? You have to see these changes now, before marriage. If you don’t see the changes now, before marriage, you cannot be sure he will change after marriage. Like many guys, he may believe that marriage will finally take the issue away. It will not. He will have to fight this at some point, and win. If I were you, I would make sure he is truly fighting it before the wedding takes place. Most women tend to think that their boyfriend’s sin will go away once he is getting regular sex in marriage. This is not the case. It can’t be the case, because a lack of sex isn’t really the issue when it comes to sexual sin. The issue is the addiction and the dependencies that lie beneath the sin, and he’ll drag those right into marriage with him. Regular sex with a wife won’t stop the sexual sin.

          I would recommend that you read both Tactics and Hero as well as Every Heart Restored. That can give you some real help in terms of understanding the issues behind his sin, and in teaching you how to come alongside and help him with his purity even before marriage. Another help would be the book The Healing Choice and the workbook The Healing Choice Guidebook, by Susan Allen (you can get them on my website). These will help you understand how to think about the healing process and to know whether he is really fighting this. But the most important ones for you to read would be Tactics and Hero.

          Let me know if you have more questions. He doesn’t have to be completely perfect before marriage, but he needs to have changed dramatically and begun fighting this with a passion, for his reasons and for the sake of his own connection with God, not simply for the sake of his connection with you. You’ll be able to tell the difference by the way he engages the battle.

Fred Stoeker

           I am so incredibly thankful for the work that the Holy Spirit has done in your life and through the books you have written. It has truly been an inspiration to me as a 22-year old man with a heart that is thirsty for the word and for purity as God takes me down this awesome journey called life!
           I had never really grasped how sexual sin had created a cage that kept me from loving girls as Christ did and, more importantly, from maturing in Christ as the Lord wants me to. I have read Every Young Man’s Battle, as well as Every Man, Gods Man, and I loved them both! I am almost done now with Tactics, and I look forward to diving into Hero, and then finally Every Man’s Challenge.
           One of the things that I absolutely love about your books is how biblically-centered they are. While the battle for sexual sin is a personal endeavor with decisions and choices that we as men need to make, but none of it could be possible without the power of the Holy Spirit and the example of Jesus, and other Godly men like Job. I am pumped to engage in this battle!! I feel like we as men in the Christian community have become soft and weak-willed and have just accepted the fate of sexual sin racking our lives. But that’s not biblical at all! Your books have inspired me to lead a small group that’s full of community, accountability, and testosterone. Thank you for leading by example!

          Your advice to read that second book of your trilogy is working in my life. If you recall, reading Every Young Man’s Battle helped me a lot, but I needed more help somehow. You suggested that I probably didn’t have the level of intimacy with God that I needed to win, and that your book Tactics would help me learn how to have that kind of intimacy. I’ve read Tactics now, and its really helped me on the spiritual front of the battle for sexual purity. I’ve been able to improve so much over the past few weeks by just leaning on God and letting Him help me when times get rough.
           This weekend I watched a movie that I had gotten for my birthday that had a few sensual scenes in it. I was on the computer later and I started to hit sites that I know I shouldn’t have gone to. Minutes after I got off, the conviction of the Holy Spirit just hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t want to seek God right then because I was upset and I was embarrassed to seek Him, but because I’m closer to Him now, He drew me in to read His Word anyway. So I opened up to my daily Bible reading and it brought me right to the opening of the Sermon on the Mount. God hit me hard three times: First, with “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness”, second with “blessed are the pure in heart”, and third with the discussion on lust at the end of Matthew 5.
          Even though I just looked at some junk on the internet not even an hour ago, I know that God is working in my heart and I’m getting closer to Him, which is changing the battle and making it easier. The temptation to lust doesn’t come on as often as it used to and my relationship with God has gotten a lot stronger and more personal, as proven by this conviction and the great timing of His words to me, through the Bible. Thanks for telling me about Tactics, Fred.

Here is a question I received via email from Troy:

          Why is it from the beginning that when God created the Heavens and the earth, the serpent appeared immediately? This is when Eve took the bite of the apple, and gave it to Adam. I’m just trying to figure out why God insists that we struggle with the flesh? Why did God make us sexual, and then ask us to control it like this? I love God, Fred, and I don’t want to live in sin. I just wish that pornography were not an issue for me. I have to confess that right now it’s an addiction. Fred I need help! I have Christian friends that are struggling with this issue as well, and I know I can’t win this battle alone.

          My son Jasen and I answer this question about the flesh in detail in Chapter 6 of our book, Hero. In fact, until you understand the answer to this question and until you can rest in that, it will be nearly impossible to become sexually pure. This is one statement I made in Hero’s Chapter 6:

         Jasen was winning his battle because he saw the bigger picture in the fight for purity. Guys who focus on the “unfairness” of being single with a sex drive usually end up on a manic search for an easy way out, but not Jasen. He was settle because he understood that the battle for purity was about far more than simpy trying to keep your hands clean and your eyes and heart pure. It was really a battle for his manhood, the highest stakes possible, and that changed the entire game for him. (Hero, Page 81)

         As for needing help in winning the battle, the book Tactics is perfect for explaining why fighting this battle alone makes it far more difficult to find victory, and it explains how to go about setting up a team of friends to join you in the battle and how to go about building a tighter intimacy with God, which will also change the battle for you forever. Tactics also delves into male sexuality and why porn is so addictive to us. This knowledge is critical for us if we are to defend ourselve properly in the battle. Hero’s Chapter 5 is very helpful, too.

      I have something on my heart that I felt I had to share with you, Fred. I’ve been reading your book Tactics, and I came to the part that says that turning to masturbation is often more of a “stress reliever” than something we do for sexual pleasure. That’s been very true in my life. I have been dealing with a lot of stress lately. You see, my dad is a pastor, which means that we have to go wherever the Lord calls him to go. He recently just had a call to another church and accepted that call.
      This has been very hard on me because I’ve had to get up and leave my friends. I was very content with where I was living, and giving that up has been very hard and stressful. Sometimes I’ve called on Jesus for peace, patience and comfort, and when I’ve done so, it brings overwhelming joy and peace. But sometimes I turn to masturbation as a stress reliever instead. It relieves the stress, alright, but it’s also very empty and there’s no joy involved.
      I’ve found it just isn’t worth it turning my back on God and taking the easy way out like that. Jesus may not always give us instant relief, but all the stress we go through is for His plan and His purposes. We need to accept that and lean on Him to get through it. When we demand instant relief by turning to masturbation instead, we go against His plan and His purposes, and our character and perseverance are never developed.

    I’ve not been able to put down Every Young Man’s Battle. I have even been yelled at for reading it when I was supposed to be going to sleep! How ironic!  But the Lord is getting a hold of me with His loving but ever-present hand.  Already, I can actually sit down and read and pray without feeling like a hypocrite!  I can finally say, “I am free from the bondage of sin” and not be lying!  Praise God!
    I can’t wait until I begin reading the follow-up books, Tactics and Hero!  I can only imagine how much more the Lord will change me through these great resources. I pray that I can use these books around my school to further the gospel.  The book has changed me and made me go from hypocrite to genuine Christian, and it’s only been three days!  I know I can use these books to reach the lost.
    Thank you for actually putting your reputation on the line to write these books for people like me.  I know the God has used you in more than just my life, and I am sure that He will greatly reward you for simply obeying Him and spreading His sin-freeing power! I am forever grateful!

       I just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that your book “Tactics” has been a tremendous blessing and instrument for change in my life even though it was written for young men. I am a single woman in my early 30’s and have been struggling with sexual sin since my pre-teen years. It has grieved me that I couldn’t seem to “get rid of” this particular set of sins in my life. Although there are several books written toward women’s struggle with sexual sin, they haven’t generally hit on my particular weak areas and often focus more on fighting the sin than drawing close to our Lover in Heaven. 
      The truths in “Tactics” have helped me to submit more immediately to God’s authority when tempted, and it has also driven home the point that drawing near to God, and letting Him fill me with His love, is really where I am going to find freedom. The more I draw close to Him, the less I am interested in entertaining temptation. This truth is one that God continues to teach me and grow in me.  Thank you again and keep fighting the good fight!

Once you have victory over sexual sin, you will likely desire to help pull others men out of the prison and into the light. Many ask me, “Fred, how do I start a ministry to help others win over sexual sin?”
All I know is what I’ve experienced with God, and that is that God is the one who promotes, and He usually promotes me only after I’ve stepped out in obedience. First, I obeyed His word about sexual purity, especially Ephesians 5:3 and 1 Corinthians 6:18-20. We won the victory together. After that, I stepped out and began teaching these truths openly and regularly to men and to married couples and high school students in classes at my local church, just as he calls us to in Psalm 51.
Once I had stepped out like this and continued being obedient and being faithful in the small things, then the Lord placed a deep prayer burden into my heart, and I prayed for a voice in his kingdom with great desperation for about a year. After stepping out in obedience in prayer and intercession, He then answered that prayer by impressing me write my story into a manuscript, and He made sure it was published so that I might have a voice in His kingdom. Once the book was published and I proved myself faithful and satisfied to teach in any small church or venue that would invite me, and once I’d remained obedient in prayer as I went out, then He promoted me to larger venues of 1,000 to 15,000 at a time.
For me, it was obedience to His biblical call that led to my victory over sexual sin, and then continued obedience that led to my ministry, and then continued obedience that led to more and more open doors. As I look back, I couldn’t have done what I’m doing today on this wider scale without first learning and experiencing all I did on the smaller scale. I think this “obedience/promotion” plan of God’s is a good training model, much like Major League Baseball’s farm system, of going from Rookie League to A-Ball to Double A ball to Triple A ball and then to the Major Leagues. Don’t despise the day of small beginnings. Be faithful in those small things. The Lord has much to teach you, and He wants you to become stronger and stronger before He tosses you into the rougher, churning spiritual waters defended by the bigger, stronger spiritual enemies. 
So, while you pray for that bigger voice in His Kingdom, be anxious to excel in the smaller ministries of leading small groups and teaching others in classes at church. Learn and grow. As you step out, remember that He has His eyes on you and is developing you as a great leader. Be both urgent and patient to be that strong pillar in your local church as God prepares the paths and opens the doors before you.

I honestly don’t know where to start. My initial thought was to express how much you have changed my life, but I decided that wouldn’t be appropriate. Jesus changed my life, and you simply helped get me on the path that Jesus wanted me to be on. Here’s my story in a nutshell.
 
I am currently twenty-years-old.  Every since I can remember I have been a porn addict and just basically a lustful pervert. I used to rationalize to myself that as long as I’m not having sexual intercourse, I am being abstinent. I also thought that porn and lust are just something that people do, and that if it feels natural, then it must be okay. I would pretend like I was closely following Christ on the outside, but in my heart I couldn’t have been farther away from the Lord.  
 
About a year and a half ago my girlfriend, Jeanna, told me how it bothered her that I watched porn. I just kind of shrugged it off and looked at it as her problem, not mine. Obviously, I then just continued on with my porn until one day things just blew up between us.  She lashed out about porn, lust, masturbation…basically the whole thing. So, I backed off some, and thought that as long as I wasn’t watching “porn,” I was okay. Anything else was fair game. But obviously, my lust problem continued. I continued with my struggle for awhile, but it wasn’t long before Jeanna came to me and told me that she’d recently given her life to God and that she believed that any sexual behavior between the two of us was wrong in God’s eyes, and that we could no longer be doing that. I was overwhelmed and stunned.
 
I loved this girl and wanted to stop my sin so that we could stay together, but I honestly believed that I could not overcome this lust problem.  She told me that she was willing to be there with me every step of the way, but that I needed to truly commit to this battle…every man’s battle, as you call it. Together, we tried to find a book that would help me, and we came across Every Man’s Battle, and so we bought it. I remember lying in my bed and reading that book as if it were yesterday. Wow!! I remember thinking, “I can’t believe how dedicated these guys are!” and “They really think that is considered a sin?” and “What’s wrong with doing that?” I thought you were crazy at first, but I stuck with it, and now I’m SO glad I did. As I started to read Every Man’s Battle, it really started to touch me, and once that happened, I decided to go back to the beginning of the book and start over again, to make sure I got the complete message. 
 
I know this story is long, so I’ll try to condense it from this point on. I appreciated how upfront you were in the book. I wouldn’t even know where to start if I were to try to explain all that I got from that book. The reason it pulled me in so much is that it related to me so well. The description of your times of lust in your own life was exactly like mine, the guy reading the book, and it really made me want to keep reading to find out how you guys solved the problem. I finished the book, and the rest was history. Right afterwards, I ordered the follow-up book called Tactics. I thought Tactics was even better than Every Man’s Battle, which I would have thought was impossible. 
 
One thing that still sticks with me from those books is that prayer isn’t a substitute for obedience. I could lie in my bed all day and ask God to help me with my problem, but if I wasn’t giving my all in this battle, then nothing would happen. God helps men that are willing to give their all for him. If you aren’t giving your all for God, then you aren’t really allowing God to work in your life. Once I truly allowed God to take center stage in my life, miracles happened. 
 
As I type this today, I have now been with Jeanna for a year and nine months, and we’ve never been happier. Going through my battle together has really helped both of us, and she has really come a long way in her Christian faith. We are both fully committed to live for Christ. I feel so happy that I finally have found that something to live for. It’s as if every missing piece has been filled by Him. All it took was Jesus. It really is that simple. We are so excited about it that we often go up to complete strangers in the mall and talk to them about how our lives have changed. Many teenagers there have been shocked to find that we aren’t sexual active, but you know what? They respected us. Why wouldn’t they? I have never felt so confident in my life to talk to others about my faith, because it is so real and because I am now completely free from the sin that used to tie me up. 
 
As of today, I have read:
 
–Every Man’s Battle
–Every Single Man’s Battle
–Tactics
–Every Man’s Bible
–Every Man God’s Man
–Every Man’s Marriage
–and many of the Being God’s Man bible studies. 
 
My girlfriend has read:
 
–Every Woman’s Marriage
–The Healing Choice
–Every Heart Restored
 
All of these books have been a great inspiration in our lives, and we both thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
 
I really wish I was better at writing letters, but I hope you can feel the sincerity in my words. There are just so many lines, pages, chapters in your books that are just so inspiring that it became too overwhelming to point out specifics here. All I can say is that it is great to know that there are guys like you out there. If my marriage becomes even half as wonderful as yours has been, then I would consider myself abundantly blessed. Thank you for giving me the nudge to give my life to God.  It not only saved my relationship with Jeanna, but it saved my life. As Jesus said in Matthew 10:39: 
 
“If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.”
 
I have surely found it.

I can’t wait to read your newest book, Hero.
 
Sincerely,
 
Dino