Official Blog For Author Fred Stoeker

     I’ve read your book Tactics, and it changed my life. Section 5, on “Experiencing Your Father,” was especially amazing, as it really shattered my perceptions about prayer, worship and reading the Bible. I just want to thank you for that and to tell you that God is using you big time! I’ve now ordered your latest book, Hero, and can’t wait to read your thoughts on staying sexually pure while dating. You’ll understand why in a moment. 
     I am twenty-one years of age and I’ve been addicted to masturbation for eight years. Porn wasn’t part of my problem with masturbation…it was more like emotional issues, as you talk about in Tactics. Two years ago I saw your book Every Young Man’s Battle for the first time on my friend’s desk. I picked it up and read a few sentences and realized that God was hating this addiction of mine. After that, I really tried to quit on my own, but just couldn’t. Two years of struggle ensued until I actually gave up. I actually thought that purity is impossible. Of course, my relationship with God worsened during that time, and I stopped reading my Bible and I rarely prayed.  Then I had my ‘Merle Hay moment’. I met this girl at a social and the moment I saw her I knew, “She is the one.” It must have been the Holy Spirit talking. I chatted with her the whole evening until early the next morning. During that weekend God challenged me, “Are you really ready for this? Are you in a place in your live where you can help lift this girl to what I’ve destined her to be? Will you be able to lead her spiritually?”
     I realized I wasn’t. Since that moment I’ve picked up my game spiritually and never masturbated again. Today I am standing on forty-five days without masturbation. During this forty-five day period I didn’t feel any need to masturbate. There is no struggle. Nothing. It is going so good that sometimes I wonder if I am still a man! I can only thank God because ultimately it is through Him that I’ve conquered this struggle. There is nothing going on between this girl and me yet, but I believe we are moving into the right direction. During this forty-five day period my relationship with God has strengthened to the point where I can honestly say He is my best friend. He regularly works through me and I can clearly hear His voice again. By the time I started reading Tactics, I had already conquered the battle with masturbation, but the book really helped me deepen my relationship with Christ. Thank you for everything! Keep writing, my friend.

          Question: Hi, I have been reading Every Heart Restored and it has really been changing my heart and perspective on my relationship with my fiance. We are supposed to get married in the fall and he recently confessed to me that he has cheated on me and has an addiction to porn. Naturally, I was devastated at first, but realized that we have two options. We can either let the devil continue to ruin this and end our relationship, or we can fight to reestablish our foundation in Christ and to see where God takes our relationship. This isn’t unforgiveable for me and I know it will take time to trust him again, but is it silly of us to pursue this relationship or am I just setting myself up for an unhappy married life? He is repentant and genuinely sorry, but this has been going on for quite some time (without my knowing, but not while we have been engaged). Is it wrong for me to question whether or not he can change and lead our relationship? Thank you for listening and thank you.
for writing this book, it has really helped me to understand my fiance and that if we continue in this relationship that there is hope for a Godly marriage.
          Answer: As you know from my book Every Heart Restored, it is not foolish to think he can change as long as there are clear evidences that he is trying to change, beyond the tears and repentance. Tears and repentance are not enough. Is he reading the “purity trilogy” for young men?  (Every Young Man’s Battle, Tactics, and Hero?)  If he isn’t reading those AND putting the biblical principles from those books into practice, I don’t think he will be changing enough for me to advise marrying him. Reading isn’t enough. He must be putting the principles into practice if he’s to break the addiction.

          Next, is he being fully accountable and fully open about what he did? Is he making excuses, or taking full responsibility and putting defenses into place that will defend his sexuality and his integrity in the future? You have to see these changes now, before marriage. If you don’t see the changes now, before marriage, you cannot be sure he will change after marriage. Like many guys, he may believe that marriage will finally take the issue away. It will not. He will have to fight this at some point, and win. If I were you, I would make sure he is truly fighting it before the wedding takes place. Most women tend to think that their boyfriend’s sin will go away once he is getting regular sex in marriage. This is not the case. It can’t be the case, because a lack of sex isn’t really the issue when it comes to sexual sin. The issue is the addiction and the dependencies that lie beneath the sin, and he’ll drag those right into marriage with him. Regular sex with a wife won’t stop the sexual sin.

          I would recommend that you read both Tactics and Hero as well as Every Heart Restored. That can give you some real help in terms of understanding the issues behind his sin, and in teaching you how to come alongside and help him with his purity even before marriage. Another help would be the book The Healing Choice and the workbook The Healing Choice Guidebook, by Susan Allen (you can get them on my website). These will help you understand how to think about the healing process and to know whether he is really fighting this. But the most important ones for you to read would be Tactics and Hero.

          Let me know if you have more questions. He doesn’t have to be completely perfect before marriage, but he needs to have changed dramatically and begun fighting this with a passion, for his reasons and for the sake of his own connection with God, not simply for the sake of his connection with you. You’ll be able to tell the difference by the way he engages the battle.

Fred Stoeker

           I am so incredibly thankful for the work that the Holy Spirit has done in your life and through the books you have written. It has truly been an inspiration to me as a 22-year old man with a heart that is thirsty for the word and for purity as God takes me down this awesome journey called life!
           I had never really grasped how sexual sin had created a cage that kept me from loving girls as Christ did and, more importantly, from maturing in Christ as the Lord wants me to. I have read Every Young Man’s Battle, as well as Every Man, Gods Man, and I loved them both! I am almost done now with Tactics, and I look forward to diving into Hero, and then finally Every Man’s Challenge.
           One of the things that I absolutely love about your books is how biblically-centered they are. While the battle for sexual sin is a personal endeavor with decisions and choices that we as men need to make, but none of it could be possible without the power of the Holy Spirit and the example of Jesus, and other Godly men like Job. I am pumped to engage in this battle!! I feel like we as men in the Christian community have become soft and weak-willed and have just accepted the fate of sexual sin racking our lives. But that’s not biblical at all! Your books have inspired me to lead a small group that’s full of community, accountability, and testosterone. Thank you for leading by example!

          Well, it’s been awhile since our last email exchange.  I actually didn’t purchase Hero until last week.  I had been doing so well with controlling my thought life that I didn’t feel an urgent need to go for it at the time.  But lately things were getting harder for me and I remembered your recommendation and bought it.  I am halfway through it and I absolutely must tell you what an impact this is having on me.
           First off, this book series is amazing to me because it provides a voice to comfort me and reinforce a value system that is practically a unicorn in my world.  I simply don’t have any other place to turn to (for now,though God will provide eventually, I’m sure) other than this book where I can hear from someone who takes the same interpretation as I do of the Bible’s standards and really believes it.  Most Christians I know will say out of their mouth, if you catch them in an unprepared moment  that, “Yeah, Wedding Crashers is probably not the most Christian movie”, but none of them are courageous/intelligent/honest enough to really engage in the discussion regarding the specific implications it has on the erosion of a person’s values.  I’m sure your writings are sent from God to provide guidance and comfort to guys like me who simply don’t know any other way and don’t have any Godly modern male role models in our lives.
           Now most of those comments could have applied to the Every Man’s Battle book, too, I know, but I never told you before, so there it is.  However, what forced me to get up and write you this email was actually the commentary in Hero from Jasen and Rose.  You should rename this book “Fairy Tale,” because I can scarcely believe that two such pristinely polished Godly role models of sexual purity are real living breathing humans somewhere on this planet of ours.  This must be how unbelievers feel when Christians try to tell them that there really was a human like us who deliberately allowed himself to be nailed to a cross.  My morals and thought life boundaries with females had really been slipping lately to the point where I thought I was only on the borderline, but still within the will of God.  Reading those entries from Rose’s diary brought me crashing back to reality in tears as I came to the realization of just how unfaithful my mind has been getting lately towards that patient, perfectly persevering Christian princess that God has in store for me.  I have heard lots of people tell me that girls are designed to be that way on the inside, and we all know that they dream of prince charming and the cheesy romance novel storylines and such, but reading the actual, real diary excerpts from a real girl who actually found her prince charming in the Lord was just an emotional wrecking ball for me.  It has revitalized my resolve to purify myself in preparation for my own princess. 
           Both Rose’s and Jasen’s level of faith, patience, and long suffering in the Lord are greater than that of any modern person my age who I know, or even any fictional character couple on television that I’ve ever seen or dreamt up.  Their story actually makes the Christian dating model seem exciting.  Exciting on a level to rival even the quick hookup secular dating model in my mind.
            I used to imagine what a Godly woman would be like.  I just can’t get over the fact that one really exists.  I can tell that Jasen and Rose’s accounts are 100% real and that they actually exist.  And that God really does care about our suffering as singles and that He really does have a perfect mate picked out for each one of us if we just persevere.  I felt like someone was transcribing hidden recordings of conversations with my friends and family when Rose was recounting all of the Christians telling her “You’ll never get married if you wait around for some perfect person” and “God’s not going to just drop somebody out of the sky”.  Yes, you will, and yes, He will!  Eat it, Devil!  I just can’t get over this story.  The more I keep my mind filled with the stories in Hero, the less and less appealing the secular dating model continues to seem to me.  Female hearts really are made out of the purest, most delicate crystal and the mindset towards even married Christian sexual interaction that I was harboring seems nothing short of barbaric after reading Rose’s diary entries in particular, along with the story about Olivia.  It is so hard to believe that beneath the layers of lies that so many girls/women are living out in our culture is an unfulfilled, yearning damsel in distress just like Rose.  This book really gives me hope and inspiration to start reclaiming the dignity, innocence, and purity of these female creatures that God has blessed us with, starting with my own warped brain.  Thank God for forgiveness, mercy, and grace.  And thank you for being so used of the Lord to bless us with these invaluable keys of mental purity.  They have unlocked my own relationship with the Lord and practically given me a new lease on life (even moreso than when I read your first book).  God bless you!

         Question:  Thank you very much for your book Every Young Man’s Battle. It has opened my eyes and changed my entire perspective on my own personal struggles with sexual purity, but also upon the struggles that the men in my life face every day. I have recently read this book and given it to my boyfriend, who had admitted that he was struggling with lust. Once he read it, we’ve changed a lot in our relationship, but I’d like to do more to help him. Even though I’m a woman who has struggled with pornography and masturbation myself and who has overcome these issues through Christ, I’m still often unsure how to encourage my boyfriend in this battle. Even though his stronghold is the same as mine, I also find it seems somewhat different with him, and I often end up being more abrasive to him than helpful, or so it seems.
          I’ve tried asking him to tell me if there is anything I do that makes staying pure harder for him, but that has seemed quite awkward at times, and it doesn’t usually produce a useful response for us. What can you recommend to me to help me help my boyfriend, whether it’s in my words or my actions?
          Answer:  Well, my friend, I have something that should help you. Not everyone knows that Every Young Man’s Battle is actually part of a trilogy:
      1)  Every Young Man’s Battle
      2)  Tactics
      3)  Hero
          The book Hero was co-written with my son Jasen, who knows a lot about enlisting a girlfriend to help a guy in this battle, and how to make these kinds of conversations with girlfriends useful. I would recommend picking up a copy of Hero and reading it, and then giving it to your boyfriend to read. You will pick up some helpful hints about men and their triggers but, most importantly, the example that Jasen paints with his words should make it much easier for your boyfriend to talk to you about the things you can do to help him in your relationship. He’ll see how important it is for him to communicate with you on this topic, and it will become easier for both of you.

Here is a question I received via email from Troy:

          Why is it from the beginning that when God created the Heavens and the earth, the serpent appeared immediately? This is when Eve took the bite of the apple, and gave it to Adam. I’m just trying to figure out why God insists that we struggle with the flesh? Why did God make us sexual, and then ask us to control it like this? I love God, Fred, and I don’t want to live in sin. I just wish that pornography were not an issue for me. I have to confess that right now it’s an addiction. Fred I need help! I have Christian friends that are struggling with this issue as well, and I know I can’t win this battle alone.

          My son Jasen and I answer this question about the flesh in detail in Chapter 6 of our book, Hero. In fact, until you understand the answer to this question and until you can rest in that, it will be nearly impossible to become sexually pure. This is one statement I made in Hero’s Chapter 6:

         Jasen was winning his battle because he saw the bigger picture in the fight for purity. Guys who focus on the “unfairness” of being single with a sex drive usually end up on a manic search for an easy way out, but not Jasen. He was settle because he understood that the battle for purity was about far more than simpy trying to keep your hands clean and your eyes and heart pure. It was really a battle for his manhood, the highest stakes possible, and that changed the entire game for him. (Hero, Page 81)

         As for needing help in winning the battle, the book Tactics is perfect for explaining why fighting this battle alone makes it far more difficult to find victory, and it explains how to go about setting up a team of friends to join you in the battle and how to go about building a tighter intimacy with God, which will also change the battle for you forever. Tactics also delves into male sexuality and why porn is so addictive to us. This knowledge is critical for us if we are to defend ourselve properly in the battle. Hero’s Chapter 5 is very helpful, too.

          I bought your books first for my boys, but then God turned around and used them to heal my marriage. The book Hero is what got us all going at first. Since then, I’ve had my sons reading so many of your books this winter that they start running whenever they see me coming towards them with a book. Your message has me asking my husband and sons tough questions regularly, too. They need to know that they are accountable to the women in their lives.  
           These books have made an incredible impact on my husband and me, as God used your words to change my husband and then, in turn, change our marriage. But since God has worked in our lives, my heart has become heavy. What is driving this is the ugly world that is destroying my generation, my son’s generation and the next one, and the lack of support men give each other to stand up against all this.
           Personally, I want to stand up in front of men everywhere and ask them the tough questions. I want to say the secret words and make them visible. I want to challenge them to get accountability partners, and once they have them, to make sure that accountability is real and honest, built upon friendship, trust and tough love. Accountability partners should allow no gray areas and provide no excuses to make life easier for their brothers in Christ. They shouldn’t just ask how you are doing in this area and then quickly move on, especially when there is a sense that something is wrong. I know men and women are totally different in this area, and men have to work harder to make this happen. After all, women come together as accountability partners and it can take less than ten minutes for discussions to get personal and, most likely, weepy. Guys, on the other hand, take ten minutes discuss their entire life in a nutshell and then quickly move on to lunch.
           But you don’t need to have emotional break downs to have true accountability. What you do need is honesty, trust and toughness. Toughness should be right up a man’s alley. Why can’t men use that in the area of accountability? Why can’t they stand up and say, “I am a man of God, I will stand and be strong. As a warrior I will stand alongside my accountability partner as a teammate, and we will fight and win this battle, together.” That’s tough and that’s manly, without a trace of teary, emotional outburst. When you’re out on the battle field in war, you encourage each other and you get tough and you strive to never leave your wounded comrade behind. Where is that in the relationships between Christian men today? I want to scream this from the rooftops.
           I know I’m a woman, and it would be weird for me to stand up and talk to men like this in church, I suppose, but I’ve seen the devastation in my personal life and I want this to change for everyone. I want my husband, my sons and the next generation to be fearless in the face of it all, and to stand up and make a change in our culture. I want women to see something different in my husband and my sons and to see a Godly respect for them. Where do I go from here? What do I do with all this passion? I don’t know yet, but God has told me that I must first spend more time in prayer about this than in thought or teaching. So pray I will.

    I’ve not been able to put down Every Young Man’s Battle. I have even been yelled at for reading it when I was supposed to be going to sleep! How ironic!  But the Lord is getting a hold of me with His loving but ever-present hand.  Already, I can actually sit down and read and pray without feeling like a hypocrite!  I can finally say, “I am free from the bondage of sin” and not be lying!  Praise God!
    I can’t wait until I begin reading the follow-up books, Tactics and Hero!  I can only imagine how much more the Lord will change me through these great resources. I pray that I can use these books around my school to further the gospel.  The book has changed me and made me go from hypocrite to genuine Christian, and it’s only been three days!  I know I can use these books to reach the lost.
    Thank you for actually putting your reputation on the line to write these books for people like me.  I know the God has used you in more than just my life, and I am sure that He will greatly reward you for simply obeying Him and spreading His sin-freeing power! I am forever grateful!

Testimony and Question: I agree with one of the comments you made in a radio interview that young women should read Every Young Man’s Battle, too, because it helps us to know how to protect the men in our lives. 
         My boyfriend and I are trying to maintain a sexually pure relationship, so we have verbally set rules and boundaries for our physical relationship together. It is definitely a battle that is worth fighting. Because of mistakes I made in a previous relationship, I know how intense and wonderful that physical intimacy can feel, but is definitely not worth the consequences that come with pre-marital sex.
         Still, I struggle with the enemy over the following question: If we avoid anything that stimulates physical pleasure, will we lose our attraction for each other by the time we are married because we have conditioned ourselves not to think about each other physically? We love hugs and cuddling, but sometimes that can lead to further thoughts, too. If we avoid anything lovey-dovey during the dating process, will we destroy the romance and spark that we feel about each other?
         Answer: My son Jasen and daughter-in-law Rose recently co-wrote a book called Hero with me. In chapter 11, Sparks, they address this question fully, and can happily attest that the romance and spark does not have to die or change due to the boundaries and the purity.

I recently read the book Every Young Man’s Battle, and it has changed my life! It opened my eyes to a lot of things that had to change in my life. For the past two years, I was addicted to pornography, and it messed me up bad. This past July I got right with God and I was able to break the habit and be open about it with some people that I really trust.

But even though I had given that up, my mind was still plagued by the images I had seen, and it felt like I was wrestling with my mind every day. I really wasn’t aware of this until I read the book, and it hit me that even though I had stopped looking at porn, my mind wasn’t pure. I would see a girl that resembled a woman I had seen on the Internet, and my mind would go nuts. I was mentally exhausted every day.
 
Every Young Man’s Battle helped me to realize that my thought process had to change, and the best way to do that was to study scripture. God revealed so many things to me over the past couple weeks. 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 helped me realize that my body isn’t my own, and I have no right to be doing things with my body that aren’t holy, and no right to look at women lustfully. It was like I’d had a big revelation, and I was finally able to see what it means to be sexually pure. Bouncing the eyes has helped me a lot, and things have gotten a lot better.
 
When I read that you had made a covenant with your eyes and how it helped you, God also laid it on my heart to make a covenant with Him, as well. Of course, at first I bought into one of Satan’s lies, “You can’t do it, you’re not strong enough.”  And that’s really what I thought until I came to Matthew 17:20, which promises, “If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, nothing will be impossible for YOU.” This verse made me certain that I could do it, and that God was going to be my source of strength. So I made this covenant with God:  I am not going to kiss another girl until my wedding day. He showed me that everything is reserved for marriage, and that I shouldn’t get physical in any way with a woman until we are united before God. After I made this decision, things got extremely easy! It was kind of weird. For the first time, ever I finally had total control of my mind.
 
Yesterday I met someone that is struggling with pornography, and I am going to let him read this book, too. I love the fact that I can help someone else achieve sexual purity, and I thank God everyday that I came across this book.