Official Blog For Author Fred Stoeker

          Question: Hi, I have been reading Every Heart Restored and it has really been changing my heart and perspective on my relationship with my fiance. We are supposed to get married in the fall and he recently confessed to me that he has cheated on me and has an addiction to porn. Naturally, I was devastated at first, but realized that we have two options. We can either let the devil continue to ruin this and end our relationship, or we can fight to reestablish our foundation in Christ and to see where God takes our relationship. This isn’t unforgiveable for me and I know it will take time to trust him again, but is it silly of us to pursue this relationship or am I just setting myself up for an unhappy married life? He is repentant and genuinely sorry, but this has been going on for quite some time (without my knowing, but not while we have been engaged). Is it wrong for me to question whether or not he can change and lead our relationship? Thank you for listening and thank you.
for writing this book, it has really helped me to understand my fiance and that if we continue in this relationship that there is hope for a Godly marriage.
          Answer: As you know from my book Every Heart Restored, it is not foolish to think he can change as long as there are clear evidences that he is trying to change, beyond the tears and repentance. Tears and repentance are not enough. Is he reading the “purity trilogy” for young men?  (Every Young Man’s Battle, Tactics, and Hero?)  If he isn’t reading those AND putting the biblical principles from those books into practice, I don’t think he will be changing enough for me to advise marrying him. Reading isn’t enough. He must be putting the principles into practice if he’s to break the addiction.

          Next, is he being fully accountable and fully open about what he did? Is he making excuses, or taking full responsibility and putting defenses into place that will defend his sexuality and his integrity in the future? You have to see these changes now, before marriage. If you don’t see the changes now, before marriage, you cannot be sure he will change after marriage. Like many guys, he may believe that marriage will finally take the issue away. It will not. He will have to fight this at some point, and win. If I were you, I would make sure he is truly fighting it before the wedding takes place. Most women tend to think that their boyfriend’s sin will go away once he is getting regular sex in marriage. This is not the case. It can’t be the case, because a lack of sex isn’t really the issue when it comes to sexual sin. The issue is the addiction and the dependencies that lie beneath the sin, and he’ll drag those right into marriage with him. Regular sex with a wife won’t stop the sexual sin.

          I would recommend that you read both Tactics and Hero as well as Every Heart Restored. That can give you some real help in terms of understanding the issues behind his sin, and in teaching you how to come alongside and help him with his purity even before marriage. Another help would be the book The Healing Choice and the workbook The Healing Choice Guidebook, by Susan Allen (you can get them on my website). These will help you understand how to think about the healing process and to know whether he is really fighting this. But the most important ones for you to read would be Tactics and Hero.

          Let me know if you have more questions. He doesn’t have to be completely perfect before marriage, but he needs to have changed dramatically and begun fighting this with a passion, for his reasons and for the sake of his own connection with God, not simply for the sake of his connection with you. You’ll be able to tell the difference by the way he engages the battle.

Fred Stoeker

          Fred - just wanted to drop you a note of thanks. I’m about halfway through Every Man’s Marriage and learning more than I ever have of God’s actual picture of marriage. I was raised a Christian and married a girl who was also raised Christian, but in a much less legalistic denomination than myself. We’ve now been married for more than 13 yrs and have 4 children and we have always worked hard to exemplify a Christian lifestyle. 
           The problem is that I never really truly understood a lot of what your book describes. Sure, I had heard the same things from my wife, but I failed to truly see the BIBLICAL model that I’m now starting to understand … the BIBLICAL model for the roles of both myself and my wife. Somehow God gave you the right words to make it understandable to stubborn guys like me who have heard all the examples, but somehow could not truly comprehend them, much less live them out. 
           So I have a lot of work in front of me. But fortunately, God gave me the perfect woman to marry who is willing to let the scars heal and be patient with me without cutting me too much slack. God is good. :) 
           So I appreciate this book. May God continue to speak through you to other men like myself.

           I am so incredibly thankful for the work that the Holy Spirit has done in your life and through the books you have written. It has truly been an inspiration to me as a 22-year old man with a heart that is thirsty for the word and for purity as God takes me down this awesome journey called life!
           I had never really grasped how sexual sin had created a cage that kept me from loving girls as Christ did and, more importantly, from maturing in Christ as the Lord wants me to. I have read Every Young Man’s Battle, as well as Every Man, Gods Man, and I loved them both! I am almost done now with Tactics, and I look forward to diving into Hero, and then finally Every Man’s Challenge.
           One of the things that I absolutely love about your books is how biblically-centered they are. While the battle for sexual sin is a personal endeavor with decisions and choices that we as men need to make, but none of it could be possible without the power of the Holy Spirit and the example of Jesus, and other Godly men like Job. I am pumped to engage in this battle!! I feel like we as men in the Christian community have become soft and weak-willed and have just accepted the fate of sexual sin racking our lives. But that’s not biblical at all! Your books have inspired me to lead a small group that’s full of community, accountability, and testosterone. Thank you for leading by example!

          Well, it’s been awhile since our last email exchange.  I actually didn’t purchase Hero until last week.  I had been doing so well with controlling my thought life that I didn’t feel an urgent need to go for it at the time.  But lately things were getting harder for me and I remembered your recommendation and bought it.  I am halfway through it and I absolutely must tell you what an impact this is having on me.
           First off, this book series is amazing to me because it provides a voice to comfort me and reinforce a value system that is practically a unicorn in my world.  I simply don’t have any other place to turn to (for now,though God will provide eventually, I’m sure) other than this book where I can hear from someone who takes the same interpretation as I do of the Bible’s standards and really believes it.  Most Christians I know will say out of their mouth, if you catch them in an unprepared moment  that, “Yeah, Wedding Crashers is probably not the most Christian movie”, but none of them are courageous/intelligent/honest enough to really engage in the discussion regarding the specific implications it has on the erosion of a person’s values.  I’m sure your writings are sent from God to provide guidance and comfort to guys like me who simply don’t know any other way and don’t have any Godly modern male role models in our lives.
           Now most of those comments could have applied to the Every Man’s Battle book, too, I know, but I never told you before, so there it is.  However, what forced me to get up and write you this email was actually the commentary in Hero from Jasen and Rose.  You should rename this book “Fairy Tale,” because I can scarcely believe that two such pristinely polished Godly role models of sexual purity are real living breathing humans somewhere on this planet of ours.  This must be how unbelievers feel when Christians try to tell them that there really was a human like us who deliberately allowed himself to be nailed to a cross.  My morals and thought life boundaries with females had really been slipping lately to the point where I thought I was only on the borderline, but still within the will of God.  Reading those entries from Rose’s diary brought me crashing back to reality in tears as I came to the realization of just how unfaithful my mind has been getting lately towards that patient, perfectly persevering Christian princess that God has in store for me.  I have heard lots of people tell me that girls are designed to be that way on the inside, and we all know that they dream of prince charming and the cheesy romance novel storylines and such, but reading the actual, real diary excerpts from a real girl who actually found her prince charming in the Lord was just an emotional wrecking ball for me.  It has revitalized my resolve to purify myself in preparation for my own princess. 
           Both Rose’s and Jasen’s level of faith, patience, and long suffering in the Lord are greater than that of any modern person my age who I know, or even any fictional character couple on television that I’ve ever seen or dreamt up.  Their story actually makes the Christian dating model seem exciting.  Exciting on a level to rival even the quick hookup secular dating model in my mind.
            I used to imagine what a Godly woman would be like.  I just can’t get over the fact that one really exists.  I can tell that Jasen and Rose’s accounts are 100% real and that they actually exist.  And that God really does care about our suffering as singles and that He really does have a perfect mate picked out for each one of us if we just persevere.  I felt like someone was transcribing hidden recordings of conversations with my friends and family when Rose was recounting all of the Christians telling her “You’ll never get married if you wait around for some perfect person” and “God’s not going to just drop somebody out of the sky”.  Yes, you will, and yes, He will!  Eat it, Devil!  I just can’t get over this story.  The more I keep my mind filled with the stories in Hero, the less and less appealing the secular dating model continues to seem to me.  Female hearts really are made out of the purest, most delicate crystal and the mindset towards even married Christian sexual interaction that I was harboring seems nothing short of barbaric after reading Rose’s diary entries in particular, along with the story about Olivia.  It is so hard to believe that beneath the layers of lies that so many girls/women are living out in our culture is an unfulfilled, yearning damsel in distress just like Rose.  This book really gives me hope and inspiration to start reclaiming the dignity, innocence, and purity of these female creatures that God has blessed us with, starting with my own warped brain.  Thank God for forgiveness, mercy, and grace.  And thank you for being so used of the Lord to bless us with these invaluable keys of mental purity.  They have unlocked my own relationship with the Lord and practically given me a new lease on life (even moreso than when I read your first book).  God bless you!

          I didn’t have a question, but just wanted to thank you and Fred for writing the book Every Heart Restored. It has truly set me free from the bondage and shame I’ve felt for about five years now…since about the time my husband repented of his addiction to internet porn. It has been a long hard road, but I see now who I need to be as his wife and sister in Christ. I’ve known that we would make it through this tough time, but I just never knew if our marriage could ever be great again. Because of Every Heart Restored, now I see that it can. You’ve helped me know how I can trust again and how I can best help my husband with my actions and attitudes. I felt as though you wrote this just for me and my situation. Thank you for being so open about your struggles and your sweet times of love and commitment. I love you guys for your ministry. I pray that God will continue to keep his hand upon your family and marriage. What a mighty God we serve! Praise the Lord for his work in my life through your book.

         Question:  Thank you very much for your book Every Young Man’s Battle. It has opened my eyes and changed my entire perspective on my own personal struggles with sexual purity, but also upon the struggles that the men in my life face every day. I have recently read this book and given it to my boyfriend, who had admitted that he was struggling with lust. Once he read it, we’ve changed a lot in our relationship, but I’d like to do more to help him. Even though I’m a woman who has struggled with pornography and masturbation myself and who has overcome these issues through Christ, I’m still often unsure how to encourage my boyfriend in this battle. Even though his stronghold is the same as mine, I also find it seems somewhat different with him, and I often end up being more abrasive to him than helpful, or so it seems.
          I’ve tried asking him to tell me if there is anything I do that makes staying pure harder for him, but that has seemed quite awkward at times, and it doesn’t usually produce a useful response for us. What can you recommend to me to help me help my boyfriend, whether it’s in my words or my actions?
          Answer:  Well, my friend, I have something that should help you. Not everyone knows that Every Young Man’s Battle is actually part of a trilogy:
      1)  Every Young Man’s Battle
      2)  Tactics
      3)  Hero
          The book Hero was co-written with my son Jasen, who knows a lot about enlisting a girlfriend to help a guy in this battle, and how to make these kinds of conversations with girlfriends useful. I would recommend picking up a copy of Hero and reading it, and then giving it to your boyfriend to read. You will pick up some helpful hints about men and their triggers but, most importantly, the example that Jasen paints with his words should make it much easier for your boyfriend to talk to you about the things you can do to help him in your relationship. He’ll see how important it is for him to communicate with you on this topic, and it will become easier for both of you.

          Your advice to read that second book of your trilogy is working in my life. If you recall, reading Every Young Man’s Battle helped me a lot, but I needed more help somehow. You suggested that I probably didn’t have the level of intimacy with God that I needed to win, and that your book Tactics would help me learn how to have that kind of intimacy. I’ve read Tactics now, and its really helped me on the spiritual front of the battle for sexual purity. I’ve been able to improve so much over the past few weeks by just leaning on God and letting Him help me when times get rough.
           This weekend I watched a movie that I had gotten for my birthday that had a few sensual scenes in it. I was on the computer later and I started to hit sites that I know I shouldn’t have gone to. Minutes after I got off, the conviction of the Holy Spirit just hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t want to seek God right then because I was upset and I was embarrassed to seek Him, but because I’m closer to Him now, He drew me in to read His Word anyway. So I opened up to my daily Bible reading and it brought me right to the opening of the Sermon on the Mount. God hit me hard three times: First, with “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness”, second with “blessed are the pure in heart”, and third with the discussion on lust at the end of Matthew 5.
          Even though I just looked at some junk on the internet not even an hour ago, I know that God is working in my heart and I’m getting closer to Him, which is changing the battle and making it easier. The temptation to lust doesn’t come on as often as it used to and my relationship with God has gotten a lot stronger and more personal, as proven by this conviction and the great timing of His words to me, through the Bible. Thanks for telling me about Tactics, Fred.

          I would like to let you how much I enjoy reading your daily devotional, called Every Day for Every Man. It really hits home for me. The book has allowed me to reflect on my own life and the mistakes I have made, and to strive to be a better man, husband and father each new day.
          My wife and I are currently going through a rough time and trying to save our marriage because of my own infidelity. She is a strong and forgiving woman who tries to put on a happy face every day, but my past is a difficult thing to forgive and forget. She and I have looked for a book similar to Every Day for Every Man, something that would relate to her and to what she is dealing with, something that could give her encouragement and comfort before she starts each day. I’ve hurt her badly and I would do anything to find such a book for her, if one exists.
           We want to be together and we love each other, but some days it is almost too much for her to deal with all the hurt I have caused her. Could you possibly recommend an author or a book that might be suited to my wife’s needs, something that would give her some solace during this difficult time?
           Answer: While I don’t have a devotional in mind that deals with this topic specifically, my wife’s favorite devotional is Keep a Quiet Heart, by Elisabeth Elliott. This devotional will definitely encourage and comfort each day. Two other books that would be very useful in helping her to heal would be my wife’s two books, Every Heart Restored and The Healing Choice. These two books DO deal with the topic directly, and would be helpful.

Here is a question I received via email from Troy:

          Why is it from the beginning that when God created the Heavens and the earth, the serpent appeared immediately? This is when Eve took the bite of the apple, and gave it to Adam. I’m just trying to figure out why God insists that we struggle with the flesh? Why did God make us sexual, and then ask us to control it like this? I love God, Fred, and I don’t want to live in sin. I just wish that pornography were not an issue for me. I have to confess that right now it’s an addiction. Fred I need help! I have Christian friends that are struggling with this issue as well, and I know I can’t win this battle alone.

          My son Jasen and I answer this question about the flesh in detail in Chapter 6 of our book, Hero. In fact, until you understand the answer to this question and until you can rest in that, it will be nearly impossible to become sexually pure. This is one statement I made in Hero’s Chapter 6:

         Jasen was winning his battle because he saw the bigger picture in the fight for purity. Guys who focus on the “unfairness” of being single with a sex drive usually end up on a manic search for an easy way out, but not Jasen. He was settle because he understood that the battle for purity was about far more than simpy trying to keep your hands clean and your eyes and heart pure. It was really a battle for his manhood, the highest stakes possible, and that changed the entire game for him. (Hero, Page 81)

         As for needing help in winning the battle, the book Tactics is perfect for explaining why fighting this battle alone makes it far more difficult to find victory, and it explains how to go about setting up a team of friends to join you in the battle and how to go about building a tighter intimacy with God, which will also change the battle for you forever. Tactics also delves into male sexuality and why porn is so addictive to us. This knowledge is critical for us if we are to defend ourselve properly in the battle. Hero’s Chapter 5 is very helpful, too.